Those Words given by A Father That Rescued Me during my time as a First-Time Father

"I think I was just just surviving for twelve months."

Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the truth quickly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues during the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now more comfortable addressing the strain on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a wider reluctance to talk amongst men, who often internalise damaging perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a sign of weakness to request help. I failed to do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a pause - taking a few days abroad, outside of the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen did not have reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "bad choices" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a family member, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their stories, the challenges, along with the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."