Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
